Where Is Suri?: June 2006

Would anyone really be surprised?

Suddenly Susan looks like a celebrebabynapper.
Like that one?
I made that word up all by myself.

Helicopter Searches Continue for Suri Cruise in Detroit

Tornado here.
Folks, I have been to Detroit. For a nearly a week. And, I think its safe to say that Suri is not there. I looked. Oh, yes. I looked downtown by the river and Joe Louis Arena. I peeked into the People Mover...
Frankly, I have a sneaking suspiction she was there and then moved, though. Jimmy Hoffa = Suri Cruise. Think about it.

Heartbreak Hotel

Juni, Juni, Juni -- I gotta tell you: there's no babies at Graceland, son.

Sometimes a Baby is Just a Baby

Zee babee eez merely zee sublimation of unconscious, negative desire.

Therefore, there eez no babee.

No, She's Not Under the Right One

Thanks, but no thanks

Seriously Rush, you perv, don't you think Jack Bauer would have found Suri by now if she were hiding in there?

Tokyo Decadence

With the aid of 21st Century uber-director J.J. Abrams, Tom Cruise announced his plans today to do whatever it takes to shut down Tokyo for a week in order to
search underneath every car for Baby Suri film a chase scene there for Mi:IV.

Wait, what? Mission Impossible 4???
Will it ever end?
Only Suri knows.

The Kid Is Not My Son

No baby here.

Or kid of any age, for that matter.

I Am...Doll Parts

Cruisey-Cruise's and Ol' Crooked-Mouth's kid?

Eff you, douche.

There's no baby here.

Mission Fait Accompli

Agents KSan and Mego are recuperating and debriefing from top-secret Operation Desert Baby. Effen Black Cherry was replaced with copious amounts of Grey Goose in the form of Black Martinis, and HQ (known to civilians as TI) was fully stocked with requisite marble, cheesy lip-synch/skimpy bikini costume show ("The Sirens of TI") and Cheeto Puffs and Oriental Mix issued at Zero-Four Hundred hours. Full report forthcoming.

...I mean, yeah, of course we totally looked for the baby in Vegas.

Traffic Stopper

Las Vegas, NV. - Late yesterday. Suri Cruise was spotted in a stalled car in the middle of Tropicana Avenue. Smoking a cigar and lounging with her bare feet hanging out of the driver's side window she was heard to have said "Well, as long as I can keep KSan from making her flight 45 minutes in advanced, my work here is done."

Shortly thereafter she was spotted being beamed into the sky, enveloped in a shining shaft of light.
Space mission accomplished baby?

You're Money Baby!

"TomKat went to the celebrity weeklies just like Brangelina did, and tired to auction off the a photo shoot to the highest bidder. An offer was given in the amount of $3 million (Shiloh's photo received $4 million), and Tom Cruise thought that amount was too low, so the offer was rescinded."