Where Is Suri?

Now That We've Had A Couple Weeks For It To Sink In...

2006-09-21T11:46:00.000-05:00

Come on, people.

Throw in some Photoshop, a bazillion dollars, and an "I'm Clear" onesie and what do you got?

Do Imaginary Babies Poop Gold?

2006-08-30T11:15:00.000-05:00

I don't know. I this could be anyone's poop.

We've Got Seven Bucks Between Us...

2006-08-23T12:05:00.000-05:00

How about you sell us those baby pictures now, buddy?

You Know, I Haven't Been Seen In A Long Time Either, You Wankers

2006-08-22T14:09:00.000-05:00

It Was The End Of The River Alright

2006-08-16T11:18:00.000-05:00

"I've seen horrors...horrors that you've seen.

But I've seen no baby. Not here.

...And now, a poem..."

"Last Night I Dreamt I Went To Manderley Again..."

2006-08-11T11:38:00.000-05:00

Sigh.

I Really Really Wanna Ziga-Zig Ahhhh

2006-08-10T11:33:00.000-05:00

Right love, but a bloody balled-up tea towel up your jumper is not a baby.

Now hand me those Jimmy Choos, will you, love?

Sleepy Suri Sighted?

2006-08-10T11:20:00.000-05:00

The polka-dot-clad (and early talking) infant reportedly repeated,

"Mommy, I want another drink of water! Mommy, I want another drink of water!"

Cuddly Cease-Fire

2006-08-08T17:01:00.000-05:00

The bombing shall stop...as soon as the baby appears.

We have many gifts of booties, nappies, and AK-47s for her

Our Very Own Scroll Down

2006-08-07T21:31:00.000-05:00

Most often "Paris Hilton" and baby aren't two words you would put together in a sentance. Unless the sentance was "Oh dear God, don't let Paris Hilton have a baby."
However, not too many people on the planet have the papparazzi savvy or the...um, shall we say wide-open-spaces...to conceal a small baby.
Behold, the Might Paris Hilton.

Remember folks, it's a scroll down.

Just what the hell does she have up there?

"She's An Absolute Beauty"

2006-08-04T15:25:00.000-05:00

"I loved her. She was much better than "Cats." I'm going to see her again and again!"

RUN KATIE RUN!

2006-08-03T17:13:00.000-05:00

Reports are streaming in that Kat(i)e Holmes...Cruise(?) has finally made her break for it and is heading for the comforting hills and vales of Telluride Colorado.

Our SuriSearch Chopper (see previous entry re: Detroit)has been dispatched and is on the way to fly Kat(i)e to safety.

Updates to follow.

The Baby Who Wouldn't Grow Up

2006-08-03T17:09:00.000-05:00

Invisababy Suri needs a compound all to "her"self.

Take Me On

2006-08-01T12:28:00.000-05:00

You haven't seen a baby in there, have you?

A famous, famous baby?

Here Come the Men In Black

2006-07-27T15:30:00.000-05:00

Jada Pinkett Smith: Suri Is "Gorgeous."

Will Smith, however, was not as impressed with the eminent infant:

Vanilla Sky Is Falling

2006-07-27T15:05:00.000-05:00

El bebe?

That joto?

There's no baby, you pendejos.

You Really Do Need To Ask Yourself

2006-07-25T15:22:00.000-05:00

What HAS Mimi Rogers been doing with herself lately?
And where has she been?
Mr. Rochester indeed!

Oh, Mr. Rochester!

2006-07-24T18:10:00.000-05:00

I must say I am relieved that it is only your poor, mad wife locked in a secret room on the third floor of Thornfield, not a baby!

QVC begins selling the new Suri Doll!

2006-07-22T11:45:00.000-05:00

Based on info from recent Telluride sightings, a Suri doll has been created and added to the Marie Osmond Doll Collection. The Suri Doll can be purchased on QVC for the low, low price of $49.99!

Katie's Baby

2006-07-22T11:41:00.000-05:00

When You Wish Upon...A Far Off Distant Planet

2006-07-21T17:12:00.000-05:00

"Mork calling Xenu. Come in Xenu."

"Mork, who is this Xenu you speak of and why are you trying to call him?"

"Sorry Orson, I hear he's the hot new way to make friends, influence people and lose all of your money here on planet earth."

"Hrm, sounds suspicious if you ask me."

"That's easy for you to say. Oh great and faceless wonder. Can you make a baby out of a beachball? I thought not. Mork out."

Nanoo Nanoo

2006-07-21T16:40:00.000-05:00

Sure Pam Dawber, it's all fun and games until YOUR make-believe baby hatches from a giant egg full of camel hair.
Suri Cruise is in hiding because she looks like Jonathan Winters.
Or worse, Orson.
Shazbot!

Sean Preston, Let Go of Mama's Sheep Coat

2006-07-21T14:37:00.000-05:00

Well, God, y'all, I don't know! That baby's not in here.

One Step Beyond

2006-07-20T11:44:00.000-05:00

Build-A-Baby?

Nice.

I Can't Blame the Kid For Hiding

2006-07-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

I was worth (in 1953 dollars) millions, and look at me now...

An early-80s sci-fi sidekick. Yep, me, the first ever celebaby.

I know, I know, but they couldn't get Michael J. Fox...

The Caged Bird Sings

2006-07-19T11:15:00.000-05:00

This is what happens to naughty Scientologists who say preposterous things like "Baby Suri is normal."

Dumbass, I Told You There's No Baby

2006-07-13T15:11:00.000-05:00

Just because her "father" was in your closet...

A Grande No-Whip Baby, Please

2006-07-12T13:00:00.000-05:00

Katie emerges for a hot latte...

...but a bit of wheedling was required.

Meanwhile, Suri is "back at the house."

Baby? Fiddle-Dee-Dee!

2006-07-11T11:29:00.000-05:00

I may know nothin bout birthin babies, Miss Scarlett, but I doesn't think this baby was ever, ever even birthed.

Well, There Is an Easter Bunny...

2006-07-10T11:47:00.000-05:00

The website TMZ has acquired a copy of Suri's birth certificate.

"...the 'Attendant or Certifier' who signed the certificate -- Anne Heffernan, RNC -- was not in the delivery room and did not see the baby. But a hospital rep tells TMZ that Heffernan is authorized to sign when the doctor is not available. A hospital rep said 'normally the doctor signs' but it isn't a requirement."

Anne Heffernan (pictured) was not available for comment.

And She Did It, Just Like That

2006-07-06T15:35:00.000-05:00

I swear officer, there really IS a baby in there.
Right behind the carrots

...But Define "Baby" For Me, Will Ya?

2006-07-06T13:45:00.000-05:00

I want to say one thing to the American people…I want you to listen to me…I’m going to say this again…

Katie Holmes did give birth to that baby, Suri Cruise.

Would anyone really be surprised?

2006-06-30T17:29:00.000-05:00

Suddenly Susan looks like a celebrebabynapper.
Like that one?
I made that word up all by myself.

Helicopter Searches Continue for Suri Cruise in Detroit

2006-06-30T17:06:00.000-05:00

Tornado here.
Folks, I have been to Detroit. For a nearly a week. And, I think its safe to say that Suri is not there. I looked. Oh, yes. I looked downtown by the river and Joe Louis Arena. I peeked into the People Mover...
Frankly, I have a sneaking suspiction she was there and then moved, though. Jimmy Hoffa = Suri Cruise. Think about it.

Heartbreak Hotel

2006-06-30T14:44:00.000-05:00

Juni, Juni, Juni -- I gotta tell you: there's no babies at Graceland, son.

Sometimes a Baby is Just a Baby

2006-06-29T16:30:00.000-05:00

Zee babee eez merely zee sublimation of unconscious, negative desire.

Therefore, there eez no babee.

No, She's Not Under the Right One

2006-06-29T15:45:00.000-05:00

Thanks, but no thanks

2006-06-29T15:03:00.000-05:00

Seriously Rush, you perv, don't you think Jack Bauer would have found Suri by now if she were hiding in there?

Tokyo Decadence

2006-06-28T14:47:00.000-05:00

With the aid of 21st Century uber-director J.J. Abrams, Tom Cruise announced his plans today to do whatever it takes to shut down Tokyo for a week in order to
search underneath every car for Baby Suri film a chase scene there for Mi:IV.

Wait, what? Mission Impossible 4???
Will it ever end?
Only Suri knows.

The Kid Is Not My Son

2006-06-28T12:23:00.000-05:00

No baby here.

Or kid of any age, for that matter.

I Am...Doll Parts

2006-06-27T11:00:00.000-05:00

Cruisey-Cruise's and Ol' Crooked-Mouth's kid?

Eff you, douche.

There's no baby here.

Mission Fait Accompli

2006-06-26T15:03:00.000-05:00

Agents KSan and Mego are recuperating and debriefing from top-secret Operation Desert Baby. Effen Black Cherry was replaced with copious amounts of Grey Goose in the form of Black Martinis, and HQ (known to civilians as TI) was fully stocked with requisite marble, cheesy lip-synch/skimpy bikini costume show ("The Sirens of TI") and Cheeto Puffs and Oriental Mix issued at Zero-Four Hundred hours. Full report forthcoming.

...I mean, yeah, of course we totally looked for the baby in Vegas.

Traffic Stopper

2006-06-26T14:07:00.000-05:00

Las Vegas, NV. - Late yesterday. Suri Cruise was spotted in a stalled car in the middle of Tropicana Avenue. Smoking a cigar and lounging with her bare feet hanging out of the driver's side window she was heard to have said "Well, as long as I can keep KSan from making her flight 45 minutes in advanced, my work here is done."

Shortly thereafter she was spotted being beamed into the sky, enveloped in a shining shaft of light.
Space mission accomplished baby?

You're Money Baby!

2006-06-26T10:19:00.000-05:00

"TomKat went to the celebrity weeklies just like Brangelina did, and tired to auction off the a photo shoot to the highest bidder. An offer was given in the amount of $3 million (Shiloh's photo received $4 million), and Tom Cruise thought that amount was too low, so the offer was rescinded."

MMMM babies! - better than protein shakes!

2006-06-23T16:12:00.000-05:00

Maybe Carrot Top ate little Suri in his attempt to become some kind of pumped up transvestite ??

Field Reporting

2006-06-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

Mego and KSan are off to Las Vegas to do some actual searching.

We hear the kid is a fan of the loose slots.
Wheel Of Fortune is totally the way to go!

Our intrepid celebaby hunters promise updates whenever possible between Effen Cherry Vodka cocktails.

I Knew I Should Have Taken That Left Turn at Albuquerque

2006-06-22T10:52:00.000-05:00

A baby??

"Please take care of our Suri"

Aww, ain't she cute?

Say, that kid's got a temper, don't she?

Criminy! That's no kid at all!

Babies: So NOT Hott

2006-06-21T10:25:00.000-05:00

Gahd, who let a baby into Hyde?

...Oh. It's Nicole.

Not Even Allah Knows Where

2006-06-21T00:02:00.000-05:00

Sir! We only found Hussein down in the hole, Sir!

No babies, Sir!

Well, Elaine had to be right some time...

2006-06-20T21:19:00.000-05:00

Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

Is that a baby in your pocket...

2006-06-20T16:59:00.000-05:00

Or stapled to your leg?
Maybe we should ask that twee cloud guy if he's seen Suri.

PLAN TO OR DID?

2006-06-20T16:13:00.000-05:00

Pitt, Jolie plan to adopt more children...

I wouldn't put it past Joseph and Mary to have absconded, er, adopted Suri.

Sssssmokin?

2006-06-20T14:24:00.000-05:00

J: Let me check around for a baby back there.

J: Mrghaaggh
arrrragggh

2006-06-20T11:05:00.000-05:00

"Is there a baby up here Victoria?"

"No, maybe she swam out to sea."

King, You're Fired!

2006-06-20T10:16:00.000-05:00

Whaddya mean, baby?

There's no baby up there!

Meanwhile, In Union Station...

2006-06-19T17:00:00.000-05:00

Uh-oh.

SURI?

NOOOOOO!

Orange Alert - Grand Central Station

2006-06-19T15:25:00.000-05:00

"Honey, did you just see a baby running for a train?"

"A baby what?"

2006-06-19T15:00:00.000-05:00

Maybe?? Is she being bottle fed?

I'll Be Right Here

2006-06-19T14:37:00.000-05:00

...mmmm nope, not here.

Did Anyone Check Here?

2006-06-19T14:33:00.000-05:00

I mean, didn't Brit Spears sell her underpants or something? Surely, selling a little tiny celebaby isn't that far fetched...

Do I Gotta Get Somebody Whacked to Find This Damn Kid?

2006-06-19T14:12:00.000-05:00

Suri "has lots and lots of dark hair and big, blue eyes," says a source close to Holmes's family.

"She's going to be a beautiful baby."

Have you guys seen a baby around here?

2006-06-19T14:06:00.000-05:00

What do you mean "Try Namibia?"

Give it up furball - Where's the kid?

2006-06-19T13:56:00.000-05:00

If my llama and I went to the dentist today would there be a Baby Suri stuck between his teeth?